Post by Admin on Mar 2, 2022 3:40:25 GMT
Chapter 1.5 - Personal Backstory
*High Expectations*
Growing up, I always had a high degree of self-motivation. I skipped two grades when I was twelve, started college part-time when I was fourteen, composed and produced music along the way, tried to start my own business at 22, and even authored a trivial book in my early twenties. I had a big vision for my role to play in the world. I had great aspirations for the future - a view of myself that I perhaps had the potential to continually level up in all areas of my life, continually pursuing greater and greater goals in trying to make the world a better place. I also held significantly strong expectations on my desire to have a wonderful romance with the love of my life, raise a beautiful family and inspire my children to have the aspirations to become as great as they can be to make the world a better place.
*Bad Luck*
In my early twenties I started experiencing a bitter chain of bad luck. My attempt at starting a business was floundering since I didn't have enough time or resources to devote to it in-between a full-time job, dating, marriage, and even part-time college classes. My marriage turned out to be the complete opposite experience from what I expected - only after marriage realizing that my wife was violent and abusive. I also had a consistently growing amount of pain and disability in my spine.
*Faith Destroyed*
I was completely convinced that my marriage was a disaster. She was the most horrible person I had ever met. I hadn't just fallen out of love with her, I was disgusted by her. I had zero desire to continue my life with her, in fact, suicide seemed preferable. While pondering the divorce decision, I heard the voice of God in my mind commanded me to not get divorced. After 6 months of pondering why God would command that, I was forced to conclude that there was zero benefit for my wellbeing, my wife's wellbeing, and our potential children's wellbeing to force this marriage to continue. If God wasn't motivated by our wellbeing, what was he motivated by? Perhaps he wanted to manipulate us into staying in the church, and forcing the marriage to continue would help maintain his worshippers? I found the idea that God would want to maintain his followers even at the cost to their own wellbeing a morally repulsive idea. My innate sense of morally was screaming to me about the primacy of wellbeing. I found myself unable to accept the moral status of a God who didn't care about wellbeing - if God didn't care about our wellbeing then he wasn't a God worth worshipping. I left the metaphorical door open for God, asking him for explanations for what he was intending. But I told God that if I don't get a satisfactory answer in six months, then would promptly leaving the church. I figured that if he truly cared about me then he would explain what he meant and what he intended for me, in relation to my wellbeing. The answer never came. Either he was a malicious God, or spiritual experiences were completely unreliable. My faith in God was destroyed.
*Suffering in Taiwan*
In addition to the string of bad luck in my early twenties, scoliosis began to dominate my later twenties. Living in Taiwan for a time, my girlfriend broke up with me because I had a bad spine. Knowing that my spine would only get worse over time, I started to lose hope in the possibility for me to have a successful relationship and family. If women would not tolerate it now, how would they tolerate it when I'm in a wheelchair? Taiwan was not a friendly country for backpain. Most restaurants only supplied uncomfortable chairs. Living space was restricted so it would be expensive to have a couch to rest my spine on. Most travel was done by walking or standing via busses and trains. I found my life in Taiwan increasingly exhausting for my spine. Every night on the town required me 24 hours of rest to physically recover. I wouldn't be able to make enough money in Taiwan to provide myself with enough treatment and luxury to manage it. I was forced to return to America.
*Suffering in America*
Working as a software engineer in Phoenix Arizona, I found my spine to be an exponentially worsening problem for my career. The combination of backpain-induced insomnia with muscular and mental fatigue during the day, I found the constant pain of sitting in my chair to be so unbearable that I would frequently sneak out to my car and laydown in the back for as long as I could get away with to reduce the inflammation before returning to work to endure it again. It became so unbearable that I had to frequently buy new chairs. My company didn't want to buy me a new chair so I had to buy them myself. I needed to crank back the incline on my chair so that I was basically laying down while working. This exacerbated a different problem - I could no longer work efficiently since I could barely see the fine print of the code on my screen from lying down so far back. Coding with speed requires being able to have very good vision of any misplaced periods or other small details. If I could barely read the code, it would be very hard for me to notice small problems with it. But my inability to sleep due to constant pain from laying in my bed was breeding within me an infinitely deep sense of rage towards the structure of reality. How dare reality torture me so? The fatigue induced by this combination of lack of sleep, inflammation, fatigue, and pain resulted in my beginning to completely lose all the functioning of my body. Not only was I losing the ability to walk, I was also losing the ability to use my hands. For at least an hour a day, my body was so dysfunctional that my hands would lay lifeless to the sides of my body while I stared blankly at my computer screen - completely unable to bring my hands to my keyboard. I begged my bosses to help me with my ergonomic situation - I needed a better chair that would support my back and my arms - since my chair had no armrests. My company had no desire to help me and promptly fired me. I realized that I was too disabled to work. Not only was my physical situation not compatible with work - but my emotional situation wasn't compatible either. By forcing myself to work, I was maximizing my suffering and was torturing my soul into developing a dark level of resentment towards reality. It wasn't emotionally healthy for me to maintain that level of resentment.
*Medical Disappointments*
For years I had been experimenting with a variety of treatments for my spine but nothing was satisfactory. I purchased a variety of medical devices yet nothing produced sufficient results. I visited an endless array of doctors and tried a whole host of therapies but absolutely nothing was helpful. As I perused the scientific literature surrounding scoliosis I was distraught to find that in a hundred years there has basically been no progress in dealing with spinal curves like mine. To add disappointment to injury, not only were some doctors being absolutely rude to me, but some doctors were not even believing me when I told them how severe my problem was. My final straw was when one doctor built up my hopes by giving me a new diagnoses that might have potential solutions. Yet, when I went to visit him a second time, he completely forgot the diagnoses he had given me the last time and even got frustrated with me when I kept mentioning the prior diagnosis - "You need to get that diagnosis out of your head! You don't have that diagnoses!" I told him in frustration that he was the one who gave me that diagnosis and left for good, realizing that it was very likely that no one could help me.
*Destroyed Expectations*
As I realized that I might be too disabled to ever work again, my expectations for my future began to fall like dominoes in a cascade of disappointments. If I couldn't work, I couldn't afford to raise my own family. If my back was disabled, then I couldn't date or travel. If I couldn't travel, then I can't even see my family or friends. If my disease was only to get worse then I would not only have to expect my current levels of pain and disability, but also look forwards to a future with increasing levels of pain and disability. I began to delight in the idea of death.
*Personal Reframing*
Personally, when attempting to cope with my existential frustration at the state of the universe, I have found it useful to engage in thought experiments involving possible worlds.
1. universe where I live 28 good years and then suffer through the rest (with suicide as an option at the end if it becomes unbearable)
2. universe where I was never born
In comparing these two, I usually end up choosing the former. At a certain point, suffering overwhelms the good and non-existence seems preferable. But in general, as long as the good outweighs the bad, existence seems preferable to non-existence. In this way, I could reduce my resentment for the structure of reality by adjusting me expectations - instead of expecting 70 good years, I could instead just be grateful for my 28 basically-good years.
*Job Reframing*
Job seems to be reframing his suffering by putting it into a similar type of a context.
1. universe where Job has X number of years of prosperity and joy with his family, yet they all disappear in the end
2. universe where Job was never born
By reframing tragedy, it can become more psychologically bearable. So, while is seems dehumanizing for religion to push for the obsequiousness of baseline-zero gratitude, it seems to have utility in assisting the psyche with enduring suffering - which might also have evolutionary value.
*Reframing in Pop Culture*
In Garth Brooks – The Dance, he sings - "I could have missed the pain, but I'd of had to miss the dance." The greater the love, the harder the loss. But if you want to avoid the pain of loss, then you might have to sacrifice the opportunity for the love in the first place.
The lyrics hint at the idea that a universe with the beauty of love paired with the pain of loss is preferable to a universe with neither. It seems that even in modern music, we try to reframe our experience so that we can endure it better.
*Reframing Therapy*
Psychologist James J. Messina recommends five steps to facing and resolving resentful feelings: (1) Identify the source of the resentful feelings and what it is the person did to evoke these feelings; (2) develop a new way of looking at past, present and future life, including how resentment has affected life and how letting go of resentment can improve the future; (3) write a letter to the source of the resentment, listing offenses and explaining the circumstances, then forgive and let go of the offenses (but do not send the letter); (4) visualize a future without the negative impact of resentment; and (5) if resentful feelings still linger, return to Step 1 and begin again (Resentment - Wikipedia)[1].
*God is Always Right*
The manipulative nature of religion is exposed in the last line of chapter one - "In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing." The story already admits that God is complicit in Job's suffering, yet it subtly asserts that God is necessarily morally unassailable. It hints that you have a duty to be obsequious and slavish towards God, even at the sacrifice of your dignity - that your baseline should be zero, even to the point of accepting continuous abuse, and any thought to the contrary is a sin. Its one thing to say - "Perhaps there is a benefit in reframing our experience of suffering" to saying "You are an evil person if you expect anything like dignity, common decency, or human rights. In fact, you are evil if you expect to not be physically, emotionally, and spiritually abused by God and/or the structure of reality". One perspective is balanced with an orientation for improving human wellbeing and flourishing. The other perspective promotes a worsening of wellbeing and flourishing.
NEXT: Chapter 2 - Infinite Suffering
*High Expectations*
Growing up, I always had a high degree of self-motivation. I skipped two grades when I was twelve, started college part-time when I was fourteen, composed and produced music along the way, tried to start my own business at 22, and even authored a trivial book in my early twenties. I had a big vision for my role to play in the world. I had great aspirations for the future - a view of myself that I perhaps had the potential to continually level up in all areas of my life, continually pursuing greater and greater goals in trying to make the world a better place. I also held significantly strong expectations on my desire to have a wonderful romance with the love of my life, raise a beautiful family and inspire my children to have the aspirations to become as great as they can be to make the world a better place.
*Bad Luck*
In my early twenties I started experiencing a bitter chain of bad luck. My attempt at starting a business was floundering since I didn't have enough time or resources to devote to it in-between a full-time job, dating, marriage, and even part-time college classes. My marriage turned out to be the complete opposite experience from what I expected - only after marriage realizing that my wife was violent and abusive. I also had a consistently growing amount of pain and disability in my spine.
*Faith Destroyed*
I was completely convinced that my marriage was a disaster. She was the most horrible person I had ever met. I hadn't just fallen out of love with her, I was disgusted by her. I had zero desire to continue my life with her, in fact, suicide seemed preferable. While pondering the divorce decision, I heard the voice of God in my mind commanded me to not get divorced. After 6 months of pondering why God would command that, I was forced to conclude that there was zero benefit for my wellbeing, my wife's wellbeing, and our potential children's wellbeing to force this marriage to continue. If God wasn't motivated by our wellbeing, what was he motivated by? Perhaps he wanted to manipulate us into staying in the church, and forcing the marriage to continue would help maintain his worshippers? I found the idea that God would want to maintain his followers even at the cost to their own wellbeing a morally repulsive idea. My innate sense of morally was screaming to me about the primacy of wellbeing. I found myself unable to accept the moral status of a God who didn't care about wellbeing - if God didn't care about our wellbeing then he wasn't a God worth worshipping. I left the metaphorical door open for God, asking him for explanations for what he was intending. But I told God that if I don't get a satisfactory answer in six months, then would promptly leaving the church. I figured that if he truly cared about me then he would explain what he meant and what he intended for me, in relation to my wellbeing. The answer never came. Either he was a malicious God, or spiritual experiences were completely unreliable. My faith in God was destroyed.
*Suffering in Taiwan*
In addition to the string of bad luck in my early twenties, scoliosis began to dominate my later twenties. Living in Taiwan for a time, my girlfriend broke up with me because I had a bad spine. Knowing that my spine would only get worse over time, I started to lose hope in the possibility for me to have a successful relationship and family. If women would not tolerate it now, how would they tolerate it when I'm in a wheelchair? Taiwan was not a friendly country for backpain. Most restaurants only supplied uncomfortable chairs. Living space was restricted so it would be expensive to have a couch to rest my spine on. Most travel was done by walking or standing via busses and trains. I found my life in Taiwan increasingly exhausting for my spine. Every night on the town required me 24 hours of rest to physically recover. I wouldn't be able to make enough money in Taiwan to provide myself with enough treatment and luxury to manage it. I was forced to return to America.
*Suffering in America*
Working as a software engineer in Phoenix Arizona, I found my spine to be an exponentially worsening problem for my career. The combination of backpain-induced insomnia with muscular and mental fatigue during the day, I found the constant pain of sitting in my chair to be so unbearable that I would frequently sneak out to my car and laydown in the back for as long as I could get away with to reduce the inflammation before returning to work to endure it again. It became so unbearable that I had to frequently buy new chairs. My company didn't want to buy me a new chair so I had to buy them myself. I needed to crank back the incline on my chair so that I was basically laying down while working. This exacerbated a different problem - I could no longer work efficiently since I could barely see the fine print of the code on my screen from lying down so far back. Coding with speed requires being able to have very good vision of any misplaced periods or other small details. If I could barely read the code, it would be very hard for me to notice small problems with it. But my inability to sleep due to constant pain from laying in my bed was breeding within me an infinitely deep sense of rage towards the structure of reality. How dare reality torture me so? The fatigue induced by this combination of lack of sleep, inflammation, fatigue, and pain resulted in my beginning to completely lose all the functioning of my body. Not only was I losing the ability to walk, I was also losing the ability to use my hands. For at least an hour a day, my body was so dysfunctional that my hands would lay lifeless to the sides of my body while I stared blankly at my computer screen - completely unable to bring my hands to my keyboard. I begged my bosses to help me with my ergonomic situation - I needed a better chair that would support my back and my arms - since my chair had no armrests. My company had no desire to help me and promptly fired me. I realized that I was too disabled to work. Not only was my physical situation not compatible with work - but my emotional situation wasn't compatible either. By forcing myself to work, I was maximizing my suffering and was torturing my soul into developing a dark level of resentment towards reality. It wasn't emotionally healthy for me to maintain that level of resentment.
*Medical Disappointments*
For years I had been experimenting with a variety of treatments for my spine but nothing was satisfactory. I purchased a variety of medical devices yet nothing produced sufficient results. I visited an endless array of doctors and tried a whole host of therapies but absolutely nothing was helpful. As I perused the scientific literature surrounding scoliosis I was distraught to find that in a hundred years there has basically been no progress in dealing with spinal curves like mine. To add disappointment to injury, not only were some doctors being absolutely rude to me, but some doctors were not even believing me when I told them how severe my problem was. My final straw was when one doctor built up my hopes by giving me a new diagnoses that might have potential solutions. Yet, when I went to visit him a second time, he completely forgot the diagnoses he had given me the last time and even got frustrated with me when I kept mentioning the prior diagnosis - "You need to get that diagnosis out of your head! You don't have that diagnoses!" I told him in frustration that he was the one who gave me that diagnosis and left for good, realizing that it was very likely that no one could help me.
*Destroyed Expectations*
As I realized that I might be too disabled to ever work again, my expectations for my future began to fall like dominoes in a cascade of disappointments. If I couldn't work, I couldn't afford to raise my own family. If my back was disabled, then I couldn't date or travel. If I couldn't travel, then I can't even see my family or friends. If my disease was only to get worse then I would not only have to expect my current levels of pain and disability, but also look forwards to a future with increasing levels of pain and disability. I began to delight in the idea of death.
*Personal Reframing*
Personally, when attempting to cope with my existential frustration at the state of the universe, I have found it useful to engage in thought experiments involving possible worlds.
1. universe where I live 28 good years and then suffer through the rest (with suicide as an option at the end if it becomes unbearable)
2. universe where I was never born
In comparing these two, I usually end up choosing the former. At a certain point, suffering overwhelms the good and non-existence seems preferable. But in general, as long as the good outweighs the bad, existence seems preferable to non-existence. In this way, I could reduce my resentment for the structure of reality by adjusting me expectations - instead of expecting 70 good years, I could instead just be grateful for my 28 basically-good years.
*Job Reframing*
Job seems to be reframing his suffering by putting it into a similar type of a context.
1. universe where Job has X number of years of prosperity and joy with his family, yet they all disappear in the end
2. universe where Job was never born
By reframing tragedy, it can become more psychologically bearable. So, while is seems dehumanizing for religion to push for the obsequiousness of baseline-zero gratitude, it seems to have utility in assisting the psyche with enduring suffering - which might also have evolutionary value.
*Reframing in Pop Culture*
In Garth Brooks – The Dance, he sings - "I could have missed the pain, but I'd of had to miss the dance." The greater the love, the harder the loss. But if you want to avoid the pain of loss, then you might have to sacrifice the opportunity for the love in the first place.
The lyrics hint at the idea that a universe with the beauty of love paired with the pain of loss is preferable to a universe with neither. It seems that even in modern music, we try to reframe our experience so that we can endure it better.
*Reframing Therapy*
Psychologist James J. Messina recommends five steps to facing and resolving resentful feelings: (1) Identify the source of the resentful feelings and what it is the person did to evoke these feelings; (2) develop a new way of looking at past, present and future life, including how resentment has affected life and how letting go of resentment can improve the future; (3) write a letter to the source of the resentment, listing offenses and explaining the circumstances, then forgive and let go of the offenses (but do not send the letter); (4) visualize a future without the negative impact of resentment; and (5) if resentful feelings still linger, return to Step 1 and begin again (Resentment - Wikipedia)[1].
*God is Always Right*
The manipulative nature of religion is exposed in the last line of chapter one - "In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing." The story already admits that God is complicit in Job's suffering, yet it subtly asserts that God is necessarily morally unassailable. It hints that you have a duty to be obsequious and slavish towards God, even at the sacrifice of your dignity - that your baseline should be zero, even to the point of accepting continuous abuse, and any thought to the contrary is a sin. Its one thing to say - "Perhaps there is a benefit in reframing our experience of suffering" to saying "You are an evil person if you expect anything like dignity, common decency, or human rights. In fact, you are evil if you expect to not be physically, emotionally, and spiritually abused by God and/or the structure of reality". One perspective is balanced with an orientation for improving human wellbeing and flourishing. The other perspective promotes a worsening of wellbeing and flourishing.
NEXT: Chapter 2 - Infinite Suffering
